Overstimulated, overwhelmed and emotionally raw, I feel the presence of bigger things tugging at me and while I can only blindly guess their origins or purpose whatever is going on is having a strong effect that I cannot ignore, to liken it to being on a roller coaster would be an understatement.
I've just entered my 27th year and March is never a pleasant period for me at the best of times, not because I have any hang ups about getting older but a sadness extends from the facts that look at me dead in the face every time it rolls around to whats meant to be this supposedly special day.
Don't get me wrong I'm not a person who wallows in self pity or unhappiness - its one of the ugliest of virtues. The rest of the year I have so much to be happy and grateful for but you cant have the ups without the downs, mine just seem to be at the more extreme ends.
This year is different and I feel very aware of these energies putting me though my paces and making me take a good hard look at everything that surrounds me. I'm ashamed to say that I have been already been aware of it for some time but I'm finally facing the facts of the massive drain fear has on the possible paths I could be setting sail on.
I don't "feel" fearful of anything on a day to day basis yet all I have to do is look at the setting of where I have worked for the past 4 years for 1 example: a safe plush existence but for the first time I'm realising that its my fear in the grandest of manifestations - tangible, 3 dimensional mortar and pestle tough! - This is not a criticism of my place of work- It's of me being safe for too long. I know I'm the type where "the ambition far outweighs the talent" but even I was the opposite, the combination is just as lacking.
I'm holding back because of fear: If my mind is going though the loops of fear I might as well take the chances that I need to take because I'm sitting here acting in fear regardless.
Apologies for going all Dr Fucking Phil here - No, fuck apologies! but this post in itself is a very small baby step in the way I need to go to get the changes that I want.
Life's way to short to not respectfully play hardball! - Let the proof be in the pudding...
I've just entered my 27th year and March is never a pleasant period for me at the best of times, not because I have any hang ups about getting older but a sadness extends from the facts that look at me dead in the face every time it rolls around to whats meant to be this supposedly special day.
Don't get me wrong I'm not a person who wallows in self pity or unhappiness - its one of the ugliest of virtues. The rest of the year I have so much to be happy and grateful for but you cant have the ups without the downs, mine just seem to be at the more extreme ends.
This year is different and I feel very aware of these energies putting me though my paces and making me take a good hard look at everything that surrounds me. I'm ashamed to say that I have been already been aware of it for some time but I'm finally facing the facts of the massive drain fear has on the possible paths I could be setting sail on.
I don't "feel" fearful of anything on a day to day basis yet all I have to do is look at the setting of where I have worked for the past 4 years for 1 example: a safe plush existence but for the first time I'm realising that its my fear in the grandest of manifestations - tangible, 3 dimensional mortar and pestle tough! - This is not a criticism of my place of work- It's of me being safe for too long. I know I'm the type where "the ambition far outweighs the talent" but even I was the opposite, the combination is just as lacking.
I'm holding back because of fear: If my mind is going though the loops of fear I might as well take the chances that I need to take because I'm sitting here acting in fear regardless.
Apologies for going all Dr Fucking Phil here - No, fuck apologies! but this post in itself is a very small baby step in the way I need to go to get the changes that I want.
Life's way to short to not respectfully play hardball! - Let the proof be in the pudding...
posted by Snickers at 3:15 PM
2 Comments:
You may just surprise yourself with what you can do or achieve if you believe that anything is indeed possible....
(And remember, you've met Cher already so anything after that should be a dead cinch to pull off!)
Love ya, happy birthday babes xx
Nick, why so down on yourself this week?
27 is a great year. It is a great age.
I am in my 40's now, and a fitness trainer in New Orleans and a licensed massage therapist. With my landscape company. 27 is the age I was when I learned I was HIV+ from my partner at that time.
You do sound very hard with yourself. Ambition is good if you can channel it and make it work for yourself.
I focused on what I was geared towards when my 27th year was changed for me. Then I just kept adding to my self by doing what I believed I could use and train to work with with the world, the environment and the people around me in regards to those situations.
I do like your blog. I created mine to let me share stuff and fantasies with other friends I have.
mine is: http://naturejockk.blogspot.com/
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